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This is one of the laws of life in my new book which is almost done being written.  The law itself sounds simple and brutal but trust me as you will see today it isn’t really either, at least in the way it may appear to be.  While we will discuss physical conflict today, this law is more applicable to the office, the board room or in family arguments then on the mean streets.

You see all “conflict” is a form of a fight and all fights should follow certain principles.  The first of which is the principle of non aggression.  Meaning if you are in a fight you are wrong unless you were aggressed upon first.  This doesn’t matter if the fight is physical, legal, for a promotion or in a every day arguement between friends or family members.

Additionally when I say do not fight fair, I do not mean to always fight “dirty”.  In fact in this law there is no such thing as dirty as opposing force is always measured to be sufficient and never excessive.  In other words you don’t throat punch a guy in a ring, but if it works you do throat punch a guy trying to stab you with a screwdriver.

That said I think most decent people already get that.  It is when we move to other forms of interpersonal conflict that things break down and we go “scorched earth” on coworkers, friends and family.  This also needs mitigation.  As we move into this don’t fight fair means something totally different as you will see today.

Join Me Today to Discuss…

• “There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.” ~ Sun Tzu, The Art of War
• To not fight fair means different things…
  • In a dangerous confrontation is means mostly what it sounds like
  • In an interpersonal conflict it means do not follow rules the other side never agreed to
• The difference in sympathetic and parasympathetic neural response
  • Sympathetic – react – fight, flight or freeze
  • Parasympathetic – accept – evaluate, assess, respond (its actually faster)
• “He who knows the terrain and knows the weather will always be victorious.” ~ Sun Tzu
• Some examples…
  • A conflict in a parking lot that is dangerous and violent
  • A conflict in a bar where a bouncer (me) throws a drunk out without even touching them
  • A conflict in a board room by a smart ass coworker who takes a jab in a meeting
  • A battle for a promotion between you and two coworkers
  • A conflict with an over bearing parent who means well enough but just doesn’t get it
• You are always “training” every person in your life how to treat you and how to respond to you
• In a potential conflict always ask yourself in any potential conflict “what does winning look like”
• Also ask yourself, what is your desired outcome here in this situation for yourself, not for anyone else
• Hold fire on that last question if the other party is your spouse, any family really to a degree but especially a spouse
• Always approach every conflict with these concepts
  • Approach all conflict with deescalation
  • Stay in control of emotions in conflicts
  • Seek to do minimal harm in conflict
  • Remember to use even more restraint with those you love
  • Check your Northstar Goal when making such decisions.
• The FIST FORMULA
  • Frame the Fight – This is choosing your terrain and weather
  • Interrupt the Pattern – This becoming parasympathetic and changing the script and training others how to treat you
  • Strike Only When and as Hard Necessary – This is the doctrine of sufficient force but enough to be sufficient
  • Take the Win and Move – This is ending the conflict cleanly and returning your focus
• Remember all conflict is a negotiation, violence is when negotiation fails and it is still a type of negotiation
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